METT-AA'S SURVIVAL PAW-BOOK TO WYRDWORLD

'only daa fitt -est survive' - What a load of rhino dung topped wif a cherry - those with cash or barterin goods can survive too - esspeshly wiv a Mett -Aa survival book!

For those who can't be bothered to follow daa inn-structions cos they're bored, dead, or can't read / see, then there are a few short -cuts. Da first iss-ential fing is a stick - once you have a nice stick that you feel is really good, you're well on the way to bein a survivor. Now to build a shelter. There are two basic designs, as showed above.

If you can't be bovered with neither of these, then simply use dis papery Book-fing, which has a selection of centrefolds to pull out an put inside of your pull- out tent. Or put it over a previous tent peg hole (made by stick). Also, all your needs are catered for. There's a selection of easy-to-assemble pull- out furr-nitcher, a range of cut - out eveninwear, swimm-suits an imagin-irry frends who make you look popular, and will always listen to you. If you get bored of them, you can always burn 'em to keep you warm.

FOOD

I have prepared a seppritt list / chart for this showing you what's eddible and what isn't. But again, if you can't be bothered there's a super supper cut - out meal range, beautifly illustrated. But if you do go Huntin, or if you're a crap hunter and can only find a dead, diseased animal, then boil, fry or simmer gently in one of Mett -Aa's cut out pans, pots, kutt - ler-ee and cups. The book itself is made of ricepaper and the book jacket of beef jerky, which you can cut up or simmer for 10 minutes (add salt if required, if you got any).

FIRE

To get this, simply rubb your stick against sumfing (not up against your leg or sumfin though cos that won't do any good), or else strike a piece of f lint if you got one or go an get some matches and then burn da book.

ISOLATION AND LONELY-NISS

these is a killer so make sure you have loads of frends or know where there's a good town with a great nightlife! But if it should come to the worst, then here's a good morale-raising song: "Yo hoe hoe, Not far to go, Fink of bedd, Fink of Tedd, Yo hoe hoe", etsettra until sleep or death comes an gets yer.

EQUIPMENT

Other than a pair of all-terrain fluffy bunn-ee slippers and your stick, daa most imm-portant fing is a knife. It has so many uses - a tool, a weapon, ecksettera, but don't blunt it by throwing it into trees or the ground, or attackin tanks with it, for the incredible embarassment and loss of life this will cause (unless you're a ninja).

HANDY TIPS

MELTS - inn-daa- viddels or hordes of mutated fings made up of all the badd bits of every fing else. Not very neighber- lee and never wash.

SNUURG - big ugly bastard. Iff you ever meet it you'll never forget it, and if you never do, you won't fink ee be true. Stay away, don't upset him, and never ask it for directions.

KNOW YOUR WEATHER

Here are some tips for identifyin climeit / elements changin. If daa sky bee-comes all black wiff swirlin torrents of cloud, wif forked lightnin issuing indefatiggablee, wiv it rainin fire and hot ash Constant - lee, or even worse, if daa sky goes red wiff pink spots, this means it's time to go home cos it's going to get a bit blustery. If you see a 40-mile across mass of ice comin towards you very fast, look up your glacier chart in the back of the book and consult the chart to try and identify what species of glacier it is. Then when you've established and been assured that it is a glacier, turn to da middle-ish of the book to complete the form on your will with the adverts of some good prayers and suitable deities. Or, if you're opty-mystic, or very luck-ee, take your Stick, draw in the soil a protective circle, and sit down within it. These are just a few of the hand-ee tips covered in the pam- flitt / book reed-ee fing-ee. So hurr-ee while stocks last (there's only one copp-ee) Mett -aa' s survival guide - as seen on stage. Mett's products - for a bett -err world!!

LIV-INN OFF THE LAND

A CHART- FING TO HELP YOU EAT LIKE A KING FROM DAA BEAR NEE-SESS-ITT-EES

BOULDERS: a bit like dat fibre stuff dey's always goin on about, but diff-rent

Very fillin, but has a bad side effect of indee-gestion. Not very good if you're conscious of your figure. Very fattnin. No prep-aa-ration needed, just soak the day before eatin. Oh, and don't go swimmin after a meal! Tuck in, kids!

DUNG : dee- licious 'ot or cold

Love- lee stuff, especially if it's fresh- lee fallen. Moist, suck-ulent and warm- eat it fresh- lee picked or semi crust -ee coated wiff soft centre, or else full-ee baked an crunch-ee. If the very idea repulses you, it's also very good for sleepin in, ask Dreg - "good insulation, like compost! I love sleepin in it, even when I'm not cold!"

If you're going to grow-your- own veg n'orrible green smelly stuff, and you want to use dung as a compost, you'll prob-aa-blee starve before anyfink grows, which inevitably makes you go mad and eat da poo you turned your nose up at in the first place. You can also use dung for fire fuel (just ask Kaane), and it produces a lover- lee aroma when burned.

GRASS : scrump-shus

Three hundred species of cow can't be wrong! Tuck in, what are you waiting for? I dint do a drawin, if you don't know what grass looks like you probbly can't even read dis anyway, what are you fick or sumfink?"

SNUURG : nonono, poisinuss, mega-toxxic, deadly-death an all dat sorta fing, PS dis means not good

MERR-MAIDS: yumm!

Blood-ee andsom my love- lees, espeshly if you rubb err down wiv salt n'vinegar, or smoverr err wiv loads of butter! But remember what your mumm-ee said - Don't play wiv yer food!!

RED DRAGON: edd-aa-bull

If you're into spicee foods, thiss is for you - it's well 'ott! Dey are well eas-ee to catch - all that roarin, fire, and bitin' is just nasty superstition, and havin to be some twat in a mettal outfit what needs a tin opener to take a piss should go off to see a wizzerd!

Horses, armour, lances? Pah!! Just A stick ann a good bit of sneakin is all you need, bang it one on daa nut and you're laffin.

NB.Do not confuse with Pink-ee Dragon wiff red spots, this is poisonous and non-edd-aa-bull.

.....comin soon, daa next inn-stall-ment of da fingy, called 'what to do when you've et sumfing dat's not good fer you'.

wanna guess what's inn my baggs-ee ? may-bee i'll let you have a look if you can grabs it, but i fink somefin else might appen instead . . .