Well, hi there - Yep style fans this is really Ebon here - girlies, please, just control yaselves, there's enough to go round, kay? And guys, just play it cool, jealousy aint cred.....

y'all in for a good thing if ya read on, ya hear? - coz this is one crucial tale of adventure, fashion, an' style: Guys an' girlies that took part wuz Lady Ashtoreth, Ali MacPherson, Zyrax an' of course me, Ebon the well hard panther; guest appearances was performed by Bog the Big, an' ma eldest of friends - an' longterm business partner - Mustela Nivalis.

SPLAMMO! one minute a well hard panther, asleep in a little village just outside Vospok - next, exploded panther molecules dancin' around goin' what the fuck 'appened? - damndest thing ya ever saw! Soon after, I finds ma self in a white triangular room on the starship ISStthiiSSpiiSSS. Shucks this is gettin' kinda repetitive, ya know? I bet it's those damn dwarfs again, yeah!

"Who are these guys?" - Sure enough it looked like I wasn't alone in bein'zapped: Ashtoreth, Ali, Zyrax, an' Nivalis had arrived with me; hang on, I should explain here - me an' Nivalis go back a long way, we're best of pals, old chums, buddies - but we've got appearances to keep up, keepin' Fru' the Quahe in the dark about our plans in Vosarn. Anyway I go through the routine of actin' blind fury, when suddenly we're all stuck to the spot.

Up pops Commander Sskoti (ohoh, run that by me again, bub), explainin' that we'd all been summoned to goget a bag full of "Ssswarp dilithium Cryssstalsss" - ace some of the ss-es maties coz this guy's a lizard: Yep! mighty strange - me I'm used to seein' ma lizards on plates, or with go- faster stripes! But this critter looks like somethin' else, all shiny uniform an' smart gun, ya jus' have to take meat seriously when it's a wavin that much artillery about.

Anyway, dinner with brains sez we gotta go fetch some crystals for his ship - just a little job, no trouble, just beam down, grab the rocks, an 'beam out - simple. The only problem, we finds out after repeatedly askin', is that the gems are only found in a mine owned by none other than the dreaded Mark the Necromancer.

Not jus'plain ol' Kevin or Nigel, but the fabled Mark (oh boy!).

Whohellhe? - never heard of the guy.

Anyway, we're all kitted out with wrist-communicators an' backpacks (mine was a stylish mix of Bengal Rose an' black!) An' then SPLAMMO! we've all been teleported down. This is where the fun begins, coz it turns out the lizards are just as dumb as they look - we've been dumped not in Mark's pad but some smeggy tomb in the middle of Tomesha! Pissed off? Well, lemme tell ya I'm just about to go find some lizard to stomp on when we finds the room we're in is sealed tight - fun times I can tell you, hah!

A quick reccy, an' the room checks out - yep! we're sealed inside what looks like a pyramid. In the middle of the floor is a giant razor blade, damn strange thing to wanna imprison in a pyramid, but what the hell, I mean we're dealin with pink bunny dwarfs here! Ya can expect things to get kinda weird, ya know? Anyway, after experimentin' with the blade, an'after losing half a claw (cheers guys, I mean I need all this hassle, don't I?) I manage to cut open a doorway through the rock. Strange but it turns out to be chipboard panelling with a rock-effect layer on the outside, bizarre!

Anyway shit-fa-brains 'ere fails to think the problem through an' the panelling goes SPLAT! on ma head as I cuts it free. Seriously embarassed by this sudden loss of several grillion street cred points, I goes an' sulks in a corner for a bit!

By now Ali has knocked back about four bottles of Friskey, an' is gettin' decidedly edgy as he's only got three left! Ashtoreth is playin' with her whip (sorry, did I say playin', I meant fondling!) in a really fascinatin' way, whilst tryin' to corner Zyrax. The latter is busy tryin' ta dodge Ashtoreth's advances whilst theorisin' a way outta there. An' Nivalis, uncharacteristically, is bein' unoffensive an'quiet - musta been feelin' ill.

Anyway, off they all go, down the newly-opened corridor: me an' Nivalis hang around a bit an' go into our usual shoutin' match; I mean, we're professionals, right? Once we decide on somethin' we act it through, right? First off it starts with a little verbal GBH, then it resorts to the more usual physical form: I pick the little runt up, shakes him about a bit, then slings him down the corridor towards a thirty foot drop. As planned, the little guy just a manages to grab hold of the edge before fallin' off: 'course I turn to stone for a whiles, and the others comes rushin' back to find out what's goin' on.

Ali, gettin' seriously worried about his emptyin' alcohol supplies, vents some of his pissed-off-ed-ness by standin on the weasel's fingers as he hangs there - y'all shoulda seen it, laugh a minute I can tell you! Anyway the plan seems to be a workin', Nivalis an' I seem to have convinced the others with our act.

After I snap back to ma usual self we sets off again down the corridor, me leadin' an' weasel tailin'. On the way out we comes across a room filled with nine dark statues: I seem to be developin' an uncanny knack of stumblin' over Nef relics with these sessions.

Carefully, so's not to do anythin' remotely like openin' coffins, I walked ma way through, pausin' only momentarily to gob on Lurgrot's statue. "Chew on greeny, ass-hole!"

Anyway, we carried on our way, good thing too coz the Nef gang seem to be a gettin' a lot more animated than's healthy for this dude!

Once outside we finds the pyramids surrounded by sand, and - well, bugger all else really, just sand an' more of it. Using Ali's hyper-sensitive nose where alcohol's concerned we sets off across the desert on the scent of a pub. After seven days of staggerin' across Tomesha, I'm gettin' heavily pissed off at the sight of sand. Zyrax is still in a starched collar an' tie, Ashtoreth's doin' absolutely amazin' things with her chrome-plated 12 inch magnum, while Nivalis has vanished, probably lookin' round for some treasure-filled tomb or somethin', and Ali's the saddest sight of all, serious withdrawal symptoms, we're talkin' DT's in caps, 1260pt Letraset Shatter, know what I mean? - but not so completely wasted that he couldn't sniff out a pub halfway across a desert!!

What we've stumbled on wasn't the usual runnathemill pub, Hono! This turned out to be a heavily-fortified Melt Oil Refinery! Somethin' just don't add up here, I mean, Melts for frag's sakes, they looks dumb, speaks dumb an' acts dumb, they've got no fashion sense, an' got silly haircuts, but these guys are organised, somethin to be damn worried about, yeah?

Well, Ali goes stompin' off across the dunes headin' for the main gates, shoutin' his head off about gettin' a drink: somehow we gets the feelin that maybe they might perhaps not wanna serve him, coz the sand starts eruptin' ballista bolts an' napalm! I dives across the dunes, doin' heroically stylish combat rolls, an'picks him up before molten megadeath frys his tail.

A while later we set up an ambush a short ways off, an' soon Ashtoreth lures the drivers of a water truck into stoppin', an' in two shakes of a sneep's tail we've got ourselves a means of transportation. Yee-har! Then it's just a straight forward case of followin' the signs, yeah, big black an' white ones sayin "This way": well yeah, now ya mention it, it is kinda strange, freaky ya know!

Ashtoreth's havin' fun tryin' to remember how to drive, an' at the same time shockin' Zyrax with her unusual way of changin' gear! it's about now that we come across the strange sight of a rhino, standin' in the middle of a desert, tryin' to thumb a lift.

"Yo, Bog, how's it hangin' big buddy?"

Anyways after some hassles we manage to get inside the mine, first off we bums a lift off Karen the Ferrywoman on the River Stynx. She's apparently taken over her dad's business, strangely enough she's got a strikin' family resemblance, with a bone white skelly body, an' dressed in a hooded robe, definitely daddy's girl!

After bumpin' into Boney and Berk an' jumpin' through the trapdoor we come across the fiendish Necromancer Mark: he seemed to be focusin' his powers to get his horde of zombies to mine crystals an' precious stones from the cavern floor. "Oh shit!" someone wittily commented, as a hundred zombies stopped their work to stare at us, worse still Mark an' his winged pal also turned to look our way. I mean for fuck's sake, what the hell do you do in these situations?

"Er... anyone order a deep pan with olives to go?"

Bog decides to take things in hand in his usual tactful way. "AXE DEATH!", he bellowed as he charged in.

"Eat holy arrow you foul black-hearted cad!" (sorry about that but I'm tryin' to expand my list of punchy one-liners, ya know?)

Ali cuts loose with his pulse rifle - grenades, shrapnel, an' explosive death flyin'around! Mark don't seem too impressed, he an' the other guy start fightin' back. Ashtoreth goes down, an' I mean she gets knocked out: I heroically sling her across ma shoulder as I single-handedly fight off Mark's undead army! We all struggle our way across the cavern toward some ore trucks, at which point somebody cranks up the theme music to Indiana Jones an' we did a re-run of the truck race. As it 'appens the trucks are full of the rocks we're after, so we grabs some. Next instant the roller coaster ride ends as we take a header into the sea.

In between drowning and not, I managed to punch the communicator button: "Beam us up, Sskoti!" - again with the exploded panther molecules thing, and then back to bein' ma old credible self aboard the Iisstthiisspiisss.

"Sss,well mammalsss, you have the crysstalsss?" pretty reasonable question normally, but this one was punctuated by fifteen lizards totin' guns. Damn, not again. A quick struggle later, an' thanks to Bog we gained control of the starship. Well what now eh? Here we are stuck in space, the crew knocked out, what now? Somebody - I forget who, but it wasn't me - pushed a big button, an' whoops, the ship goes divin' down towards Wyrdworld.

The ship goes screamin' through the skies, splashes into the sea, and crashes through the sea bed. Yep! Through the sea bed an' into the dwarf caverns! - now this, though the last part, is the most rewardin'stage of the adventure - pissin' the dwarfs off, an' seriously! I mean if you can get the little shits to sweat some you're doin' all right, ya know?

Anyway, after a strict tellin' off we were sent on our way, any way.

Bye for now, style fans! - where's ma comb?

get gone, people!